Cover: Alicen McNair

Being brave enough to say 'I'm an alcoholic' takes courage, strength and determination. It takes even more courage, strength and determination to pack up your life and move to Jersey, hold down a career and start again after years of domestic ABUSE and battling addiction.

Words by Emily Smith | photographs by Matt Porteous

Makeup: Kate Morrison | Hair: Damian Philpott

Born in Chester in 1967 alongside her twin brother, Alicen had no idea what path her life would take. But it was at just six months old that her life first changed dramatically when she was adopted alongside her twin brother. Alicen was just a tiny baby, already having moved homes and now living with a couple who had children of their own and who, she says, 'never really loved her like their own.'

'Family life was very regimental,' she recalls. 'We had to go to church every Sunday, and both my parents were very strict. We lived in a big house in a very posh area, but the school I attended was in a market town, so I always felt I stuck out and didn't have many friends.

'I was dyslexic, but it wasn't understood back then, so everyone just thought I was thick. People didn't realise it was a condition, and I struggled in school.'

Alicen remembers spending a lot of time in her bedroom and says she didn't socialise with friends. She was constantly told she would never go to university and her father only wanted Alicen to find a career based on her beauty. Alicen always felt her father only had hopes for her to become Miss World or make money from her looks due to her long brunette hair and hourglass figure.

'He used to tell people that I would never go to university and it made me feel worthless,' she said.

'I didn't get on well with my mum either, and spent no time with her. I was never allowed to go in the kitchen or help with cooking. We didn't have a good relationship. She never told me she loved me, and I don't remember being kissed by either of my parents. Trying to get a word in at the dinner table was pointless, and I always felt like the odd one out of the family.'

Having left school at 16 years old, struggling with education, and not knowing what she wanted to do, Alicen got a job at a hair salon, Vidal Sassoon, in Leeds. Vidal Sassoon salons were renowned for luxury and were famous worldwide. She recalls being picked for the role over hundreds of applicants and remembers feeling proud for the first time. It was a job she loved and remembers fondly. But still, Alicen struggled, living with her parents and spending most of her time alone.

'I didn't have many friends and didn't go out much,' she said. 'I used to like staying in and watching horror movies with my brother. I have fond memories of doing that. I remember my brother turning the light off and making me run upstairs in the dark, and I would be so scared. I used to love watching Monty Python and remember sitting and watching that with my brother.'

It was during this time that Alicen had her first experience of domestic abuse, being raped at just 16 years old by someone she trusted. Experiencing no love at home, Alicen liked the attention she received from those around her and quickly started getting attention from those older.

After having experienced her first rape, she remembers: 'I rang my dad, and he picked me up, and he didn't say a word to me in the car. It wasn't allowed to be spoken about, and the police weren't involved, and nothing was done about it. Years later, my older half-brother rang me and apologised for not doing anything at the time.'

Pausing for thought, Alicen explains that just months later, she was engaged to a different man and was trying to move on with her life, but sadly, that did not work out either. Despite the wedding never going, Alicen had a date set, dress picked, and everything organised. Alicen discovered that her husband-to-be had an affair, which led to Alicen taking an attempt on her life. It was her older brother who found her and saved her life.'I will always be forever grateful to him [brother] for finding me that day,' she said.

At 18, Alicen finally had what she thought was her dream wedding to her second long-term partner. She had met her husband in the local pub where she was working, and four weeks later, they tied the knot.

'That was my first domestic relationship,' she said. 'It was a terrible time. My husband worked away, and whenever he came back, he would be violent towards me. We were married for three years before the relationship ended, and I moved back to Leeds. 'Domestic violence wasn't what it was back then. I didn't have support and didn't go to the police because I wasn't encouraged to.'

Alicen remembers being told to look in the mirror and seeing her own reflection and not knowing it was her because of the extent of the bruising on her face. Alicen was forced to pick up and carry on.

A chance meeting on a train some months later led to Alicen's life-changing path once again. For the next five years, Alicen modelled for top-shelf [porn] magazines and was hired by Galaxy Promotions. She was photographed by Jim Carter, who was famous for black-and-white photography. It wasn't long before Alicen appeared on the front pages of magazines and was living a life where she was popular for the first time, attending high-end clubs and drinking with stars.

'I had been amateur modelling for a few years, but nothing had really come of it. I was on the train one day, and the man opposite me started chatting with me,' Alicen said. 'He was taking photos of girls for Penthouse Magazine (a men's magazine) and doing some Page 3 stuff. We started chatting, and he asked me if I was interested in going to the studio and taking photos. 'I met him in Manchester and did my first proper shoot. It was 'a girl about town shoot.' I had never done anything like that before, but I loved it. I looked different to everyone else. Everyone was blonde, and I was this little brunette thing, and they liked me.'

But with the topless shoots, high-end lifestyle, and endless partying came alcohol and with that came addiction. Alicen said,' I earned great money. I used to go to all the clubs, and I would buy amazing clothes. I had a lavish lifestyle. 'I used to dance in clubs, and I felt sexy. I felt loved. I was drinking and partying, but I didn't see it as a problem. It was just part of the lifestyle I was living at the time. I was body confident, and I felt great. I would drink champagne before the shoot. Looking back, most of my shoots, I was drunk. The drinking masked everything, but I felt beautiful and fabulous. It was the first time in my life I had felt like that.' 

Whilst Alicen was modelling, she was in a relationship which soon turned abusive due to jealousy. Alicen remembers turning up to work and being covered in bruises. She remembers the other girls covering them up with make-up, so Alicen could still work.

The modelling ended when Alicen's partner decided he had had enough. The relationship soon ended, and Alicen was stuck again, having had another failed marriage and years of abuse. It was then she decided to move to Jersey, where her twin brother was living at the time. Alicen packed her bags and left her old life behind. She arrived in Jersey with nowhere to live, nowhere to work, a domestic abuse survivor and struggling with an alcohol addiction.

Alicen worked for various pubs and cafés before being offered a job at Roseneath Hostel, supporting the island's homeless community. 'When I first moved to Jersey, I went out every night,' she said. 'The accommodation was terrible. I was living in tiny bedsits, and you had to pay extra to have a bath. I was drinking all the time, but I still didn't see it as a problem. I was partying all the time.

'I then got a job at Roseneath Hostel. It was a good job, and I looked after homeless people. I would work day and night shifts, and I really enjoyed it. 'I am proud to have worked there, but sadly, my drinking started to take over, and I lost my job due to the alcohol. I eventually plucked up the courage to ring a local support group, and I have been with them for more than 24 years.'

She remembers: 'The group meetings were very rough and ready back then. We had no heating, big brass kettles, and we used to meet in freezing cold rooms. It took me two years to get sober, and then I remained sober for eight years until I had my first relapse. Those years I was sober were the best years of my life. I was happy and healthy.'

Alicen still struggles with her addiction and will have highs and lows but is a valued member of a local support group, who she says are like family. The islander still battles every day with memories of abusive relationships and living with the fact she has lost babies to miscarriages and abortions. Still, she is determined to keep going. She volunteers for a local charity once a week, attends support meetings, and engages with the Adult Mental Health Team. Alicen is supported by The Drug and Alcohol Service, Jersey Domestic Abuse Service, FREEDA and The Shelter Trust and thanks them all for their support.

Despite suffering years of abuse, addiction, and not feeling loved by her own family, Alicen says: 'I would say, no matter what happens in your life, you can get through it. Some days, you don't even want to be here, but you must keep going. The local support group and some really good people have kept me going.